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Taken

When someone dies it’s normal to hear “I’m sorry for your loss” but even though the dust settles the pain of the loss is still fresh. No matter if it just took place today, tomorrow, or ten years ago the hurt still remains. To know the lives I created never celebrated their first birthdays or never took their first steps. I found myself becoming angery that every parent are blessed to be able to experience those special moments while I cannot. Sometimes I would love for those same individuals to wear my shoes for a few and feel my pain, emptiness, & emotions concerning the subject. Miscarriages hurt like hell but having to go through the process of a actual labor & delivery only to go home empty handed is a pain like no other. The doctor as well as the nurses make you push with sweat dripping down your face all while trying to accept the fact that your child will not cry or take a even the shortest little gasp you would give anything in the world to atleast hear once. I even can remember it as if it just took placed recently vs it happened 6years ago. That particular emotional trauma is still there and I accepted the fact that more than likely it will always be there. Its not a switch I am able to turn on and off…I find myself becoming angry anytime some says I should just acknowledge that it happened and move on because life keeps on going. Everytime in the past I would think I was pregnant my anxiety would skyrocketed to the moon because any sign of a problem starts me to freakout completely. Sometimes I also felt like God was punishing me for something he felt I was wrong for and my losses were due to it. For a very long time I blamed myself because some of the worst drug addicts who was using their whole pregnacy children came out fine while God constantly took mine*I could not understand it* Why me? What did I do that was so awful that caused this to happen? Am I not meant to be a mother?  Why am I the only one to be so messed up and scarred from it but the dad is going through life with no problems and worries? how is it easy for him but extremely difficult for me. If anyone has been through this or something similar I would hear how you are handling it and instructions/pointers that you feel that could help me.

 

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