DAMAGED HEART & SOUL

I find it extremely difficult to sit down and have a conversation about why despite FORGIVING him I can never in my life publicly acknowledge his existence. The place I am at in my life now is 100% better than the place I once was before. All throughout my life craziness had a permanent home and due to that fact most situations do not affect me. I caution everyone I meet to NEVER say the phrase “It cannot get any worse” because when I allowed it to slip off my tongue all hell literally broke loose and sucker punched my ass in the face literally. 

My personal faith led me to believe that I WILL NOT BE WHO I ONCE WAS BUT A NEW & IMPROVED  VERSION! Hoping, believing, searching, wanting, praying, and striving for a sign is all I possibly do. That is all I can do as a human being! Opening up to people is extremely difficult for me because the same people I allowed in used my weakness, circumstances, past, and fragile soul & heart against. So I have indeed built up a unbreakable wall around every inch of myself because I forbid to ever allow history to repeat itself. To know the person I would go over and beyond for is also the person who destroyed me mentally, physically, and emotionally but still I remained there for him. GROWTH taught me to keep myself out of compromising situations that can hinder my mental wellbeing. Counseling was not for me because bringing up that particular moment in my life only reopened the cut that I pleaded God for years to permanently seal. I constantly ask him why He allowed me to stay each time I tried to go but that is only my frustration speaking because I have learned how to separate the two. Meaning I know that my life has a purpose that haven’t been discovered yet. 

*I talk myself from the edge as a suicide prevention coach do alot.) I can actually say it works since I no longer have trust in others. Even when I would attend counseling most of the professionals would commend me on how I try to keep everything intact while functioning in the outside world.*

 You may think that all professionals tell their patients that for encouragement but I can tell if someone is being truthful or faking it. *Keep in mind I am a pro at calling bluffs* It frustrates me when I get told that it should no longer affect me but I honestly do not think what had happen can be permanently erased. The reason behind the statement is in life you have only TWO options that can be done about experiences 

1. YOU CAN EITHER ALLOW IT TO CRIPPLE YOU💊
2. ALLOW IT TO ACCELERATE YOUR DRIVE IN ORDER TO REACH THE SET GOALS YOU WANT IN LIFE💊

“For every ACTION there is a REACTION!” My life has turned out to become something I constantly fight for in order to keep my mind up float with a positive outlook. Instead of just looking at it only in one direction when it looks horrible…I squint my eyes and keep moving until I am able to see it how I want it look. 

When I was first diagnosis with *DEPRESSION* I believe it was first in middle school. Because of the fact that I learned to handle & mask it not many knew. Growing up I had it under control but once the situation with him happened everything went downhill from there. If someone would have told me this crap would have happened. I would have not believed any part of it! Replaying the demise of it all is earth shattering in my eyes because it all was unexpected. For many years I shed so many tears that could make a man-made ocean from them. Unfortunately, they do not have a stop button but crying is a normal part of grief and rarely now no one see my tears. I release them only in private and I am fine with doing so. 

Crying is perfectly fine! I would drink bottles of alcohol, take countless amount of sleeping pills, self harm repeatedly, lash out on others, to prevent crying. When my body would build up a tolerance to the present amount I would add more. I recall explaining to the doctor when I overdosed on sleeping pills that *HONESTLY* I was trying to go to sleep not commit suicide. My body built up a tolerance & in order to sleep I had to take more than the amount recommended. When you sleep nothing can cause you pain until you wake up. *I am extremely honest about my suicide attempts and will tell you if that was a time I tried or not.* In life one of the biggest pill that I had to swollow was TAKING OWNERSHIP FOR MY ACTIONS! Throughout the years I would constantly point the finger at everyone else but ME. In order for my growth I had to take responsibility for my role I played with the relationship of him and I. If you read some of post I speak on it not out of placing all the blame on him but coming to grips with the role I played in it as well. 

Even though the truth may hurt like hell in order to journey forward I had to acknowledge it. There is no one on this lovely earth I wholeheartedly HATE WITH A PASSION. It is perfectly fine for myself to dislike someone but HATE is something I cannot do. To be 100% truthful HATING someone takes up too much energy and because I am extremely fragile on the inside I am unable to do such a thing. TRYING IS ALL I CAN AND WILL DO. HOPEFULLY IT GOES FOR EVERYONE AS WELL💗

🎊MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS🎊