Dispite how I truly wish God hadn’t taken you two back. His decision broke my heart but I only can trust his plan & focus on the lesson that remains. Seeing children that are the same age as you two would be now is still hard but I look at the brighter side instead of drowning in my despair. Even though to some I act as if I do not acknowledge you two existence ALL THREE OF US KNOW IN FACT I DO.
I know without any doubt in my mind I AM A MOTHER BECAUSE LIKE OTHER PARENTS I WEIGH OUT MY ACTIONS. Instead of thinking about what I want to do, I base my actions by if this is something my kids would be proud of or disappointed. Every single action I make after I became pregnant is questioned by you two.
- WOULD YOU TWO BE PROUD?
- ARE YOU TWO WATCHING ME FROM GOD’S Throne? Would Jesus be proud?
- What type of role model should I become?
- Are my actions of a parent?
- Do I truly want my kids to see me act in this manner?
Assuming something can only led to confusion. Most emotions that was transparent at that present time has already been worked through. Because I thought you too deserved to see a strong mother standing tall without letting life destroy me to the point of throwing the towel in and giving the world my entire butt to kiss 💋. I pray🙏 constantly for your father & hope your existence also motivated him as well. In a way I think so & want only the best for him despite us not having any contact with each other. Many who know about your father & I relationship do not understand how I have absolutely NO HATRED toward him. If you two do not understand either allow to explain…it’s so much easier to LOVE a person vs having HATRED toword someone. The reason why I wish him well and have no ill feelings is your grandfather was in and out my life & treated your grandmother horribly but growing up as a child YOUR GRANDMOTHER DID NOT SPEAK BADLY ABOUT HIM IN FRONT OF ME. She made a effort in not speaking poorly about him. Everything I gathered was FROM MY EXPERIENCE WITH HIM & NO ONE ELSE’S. Further along in my pregnancy your father made a effort and that is the only thing that mattered. So many things we dealt with at the time of my pregnancy knowing of you two made us put everything else in perspective & straighten up before you two amazing arrival.
I commend your dad for changing for the better & handling everything in my personal opinion CORRECTLY. We both made a humongous effort in doing the right thing for our gifts. You two were not our first I’m guessing God probably made you two aware of your siblings? Due to the fact I was his “SIDECHICK” and since that fact when I became pregnant that time (which was on accident) he just wanted that pregnancy terminated A.S.A.P. because he was in a serious relationship with someone else. When he told me that I was devastated because like many would assume a CHILD WOULD MAKE A MAN STAY but realistically that is not true in most cases. Yes, I aborted that pregnancy he gave me the money for it and later on he confided in me that if I did not go through with it he would find something to make me have a miscarriage one way or another the pregnancy would not go full-term. Each pregnancy after would end up with history repeating itself. Some would say after each miscarriage that I would encounter “Next time you will have a successful pregnancy!” While deep inside I think this was my fault in many ways…mainly because of my abortion I had. Why would God give me a child when I made the foolish choice of eliminating the first one?! I have repented continuously for it and deal with the consequences I am given from it.
This is how I believe your father change because by the time you two came about he wanted to have you two. We picked out names, looked for places we could raise you two and live as a family together. Your dad went from NOT wanting a committed relationship, NOT wanting children, NOT wanting to give a woman his last name, NOT placing others need before his own….To becoming a married man, putting others first, becoming a stepfather, taking ownership for his mistakes, and being the man I know he could be. Even though I am doing some wishful thinking I am proud of him and I am imagining you two are proud of your father as well. Our first pregnancy was a accident but when I became pregnant with you two it was planned and the pregnancies were as well. I truly wanted a child with your father but each pregnancy ended as quickly as it begin. The two of you were blessings in disguise because with all the B.S. I was going through none of that mattered because as a MOTHER I had to have the strength to push through it but not for myself but for you TWO. I had to hold it together for my future family sake.
I like to in vision you two smiling down on me after each major or tiny victory proud of my accomplishments. I am still a MOTHER in my eyes 👀 but unfortunately God wanted you two back but I will always carry you two in my heart FOREVER & ALWAYS!
❤ WITH LOVE, ❤ ❤YOUR MOTHER❤
*One thing that truly helped me work through this situation and the others is I would write letters like the one above👆to the babies I loss. This coping mechanism helped me work through my loss in a healthy and non-destructive way. Before I started writing letters I would drink 🍸constantly & because my body taught itself how to tolerate my normal number of alcohol I would find myself drinking up to aleast two bottles every three days. What made me identify that I had to make a SERIOUS DRASTIC CHANGE was the moment I found 10 empty bottles on a drawer located in my room. Once I convince myself to put down my bottle and picked up my ✏pencil or pen✒ my letters to them first began 📝!*
🏁I TRULY BELIEVE THAT ONCE YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU THEN MUST DO BETTER & THAT IS SOMETHING I AM DEDICATED TO DO!🏁