Fragile

Have you ever woke up and realize that nothing will be the same again? Have you ever wanted to scream but no sound came out? Have you ever felt that the person you once vanished without a trace? You look everywhere for yourself but yet again you cannot find you. How is that even possible? You try to push forward yet still you collapse and fall back down. Do you know how exhausting that is? Everytime things start looking up at that exact moment life comes and kick you back down. All these questions and situations I have always battled. I have been told “Depression is not real and just pray, meditate, or just stop complaining.” So, in hopes of feeling “normal” I prayed, meditate, went to counselling, and as well preoccupied all my time with positive different activities. Still no luck I just couldn’t understand why on the outside I looked normal but deep inside I hated myself for sometimes no reason at all. Being generally happy inside and out was so difficult for me. Everyone has their own personal struggle but I really didn’t have one. Yes, I went through difficult situations but to me none to be so broken up about. In life things happen but I got through it(or so I thought). Depression is very real and most of the people that is battling it you would never know. You could think you are alone in the battle but you are not. Robin Williams for instance was one of the funniest comedians I grew up on and I had no clue he had Depression. When I found out all I could do is freeze in shock because here was a man who to the outside world seem to have everything he could have ever wanted but still to him wasn’t happy with himself. Depression makes you feel no matter how much money you may have, how great your career is, how many friends you have, how beautiful you are, and how great your life look you will never be happy with yourself or satisfied with the life you have. Depression is a like a magician that makes you see something that is beautiful seem horrific and worthless. I know first hand how it feels to be trapped in a dark place alone seeking and wishing for someone would help you out of the black hole you maybe sinking in at the moment.  The feeling to me is like trying to breathe without any equipment under water. The more you try the more the quicker you drown. The only way you can make it is if you allow a diver to pull you out. You have to realize that it’s ok to stop being everyone else’s superman or superwoman and allow someone to save you for once. Everyone needs someone even if the realization is too hard to swallow. I realize that I want to be that person in hopes when you also get out you will pay it forward and help the next. The world can be a scary place at times but having the strength to help another can make it a tad less scary place. I rather help others and show even though I am indeed fragile….I am not easily broken.

 

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