Touching Tuesday

I have met a lot of individuals who  situations have impacted my life in a positive way and inspired me to exhale when things are getting too much for me to handle. Life truly taught me that there are others who are dealing with a lot and no matter how difficult things are for them, giving up is not a option. This particular post is about one of the many stories that touched my heart. “Touching Tuesday” begins now…

Writing has always been something from a young age that I have always been into. Poems was my love during middle school but in the mist of life I would stray away from it…not really purposely but things happen. In middle school I had a huge binder of all my poems. All throughout my life I have always been quiet and because of that many of my peers saw my quietness as a form of weakness. While walking to class a classmate who I used to be very close to knocked the binder I carried all my poems in out of my hand. Since we were outside every poem in the binder went flying everywhere. 

During that time I was attending school out of my zone and because of that any little problem that I was involved in the school had the power to kick me out.  My mother was far worst then any adult that had any say over me…(I truthfully cannot understand how many kids now can be disrespectful to any person of authority) Watching *Maury* would get me on punishment because my mother wanted me to remember what would happen if I decided to act like the out of control kids on the show. *That is the type of mother I had*

Once in middle school I ended up meeting a well respected teacher who told my mother she would do her best to keep me on the right path. One day I had to stay after school because I started skipping my classes. Instead of writing me up my teacher spoke to the principal on my behalf forming a deal to not have me kicked out. 
My mother was a single mother who worked one fulltime and two part-time jobs barely getting by. *Did she have to do that? NO…but she was the true definition of a educator vs. a regular teacher* Instead of labeling me as a random “preteen  trouble maker” she searched for the behind my actions. Anytime she would have conversations with my mother neither one of them would feel me in on their frequent conversations. 

Later on after many years had passed by…I recalled seeing her abituary in the local news paper. My mother called to see if I happened to see it and would I attend her funeral with her. (ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME PERSONALLY KNOW I DO NOT ATTEND FUNERAL) In order to sway me into attending my mother and I went to lunch…the topic was their frequent conversations that I always wanted to know about. 

I spoke briefly before about my cutting but not in-depth of the many reasons behind it. My teacher seen it and brought it to my mother’s attention not necessarily because of she noticed it but also she once a cutter as well. My teacher would have conversations with my mother to try and determined what was really going on personally to make me want to harm myself. She was molested by her family member and strangely enough so was I. Her story still touch me to this very day because of the fact her situation never stopped her from graduating highschool and didn’t prevent her at all from obtaining a college degree.  Who’s to say you cannot go to the top even though your mind tricks you to think you cannot accomplish every goal you set for yourself? The unbelieving part is if my mother never told me her story I would have never knew it. My math teacher always kept a smile on her face. Yes, I certainly attended her funeral and will always keep her inspirational story going! 

*TOUCHING TUESDAY* ( It’s now Wednesday but better late than never right👀🙏

Motivational Monday

I listen to all types of music but truthfully rap music frustrates me because most times recently I rarely can make out what is being said…or when I look up the lyrics it doesn’t make any sense. 
One rap song I love and constantly keep on repeat when I need some motivation to keep moving forward is Big Sean- “One Man Can Change The World”…It speaks to me in the sense of his grandmother who against the odds made it in the time African Americans had it rough but she didn’t allow her situation to stop her from succeeding in life. Not only did his grandmother surpass most African Americans but she also was one of the *FIRST BLACK FEMALE CAPTAINS IN WORLD WAR II*…Her story makes me question my own. What is the problem I have that makes me believe I cannot succeed in  my life? 

Truthfully, the only thing that has been stopping me in life*IS ME*… For a long time I would put the blame on everyone else not taking the responsibility I played in my own  self destruction. In life everyone has “CHOICE” and because I made the “CHOICE” to allow my insecurities to hold me hostage…only I hold the power to free myself once and for all. 

From a young age I have battled depression, anxiety, self hate, and antisocial tendency. For awhile I thought everything was under control but traumatic experiences back to back was all it took to unlock the box of emotions I kept hidden from everyone including myself. 
The poker face I always wore started to break no matter how countless times I tried to superglue the mask back together. The more I tried, the more pieces would shatter and end up on the floor. 

Which in return would send me to the hospital locked away for 48 hours. Keeping things pushed to the backburner only caused myself to have total mental breakdown…I could not muster of the strength to at all anymore. Having everything backed up only made  myself physically and emotionally drained. I went from a beautiful, lovely, happy individual to a heavy, miserable, quiet, terribly frightened of everything person. 

My room was my safe haven and sleeping was my vacation from reality. I tried many different things to numb my pain and almost everything was a “TEMPORARY” fixed (death was the only permanent fixed to numb everything once and for all). I admire a lot of suicide survivors because I can relate to their struggles and to the ones that succeeded my only wish is that you had the opportunity to stay and helped others (like myself)…but I will do it for the ones who ended their story early and hopefully make them proud.

*MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY IS IN FULL EFFECT🙏💪*

Thinking Out Loud

I had a close friend ask me why I rather act as if certain past situations do not exist? Why I can have the up most respect for someone who I was madly in love with but would not speak to him if we by chance cross paths…Like my typical self I just shrug it off and left it as that. Due to the fact I can be openly honest with my thoughts here, I decided to explain my reasoning here. Before in the past many individuals I could be open to use my emotions as a sign of weakness so in reaction my walls are up 24/7 to most but not all. The backstabbing made me much stronger than what I actually thought. Strangely enough I am grateful, blessed, and humbled to each and everyone who taught me the amount of strength I had hidden inside that I had no knowledge about.To explain my answer I have to go back into the feelings my heart locked up deep within itself.

  1. Do it still hurt?…OF COURSE!
  2. Do I have any ill feelings toward him?…NO & MOST LIKELY I NEVER WILL!
  3. Did I truly forgive him and if so why will I not knowledge him?…I FIRST FORGAVE MYSELF & IN RETURN DOING SO HELPED ME GATHER UP THE COURAGE TO FORGIVE HIM AS WELL!

Even though nothing went the way I so desperately wanted; yet still I only want the best for him and his gorgeous wife. Notice I said “gorgeous”? It’s hilarious the look my friends give me because of the way I speak on her when some of them ask. Why is that? Should I be hateful against her for something she had absolutely no part of? What good will come from it?  When a woman and a man join together in the eyes of God as husband and wife they become 1. Basically speaking, if they are joined as a whole *IF I HAVE RESPECT FOR HIM…I SHOULD HAVE THE SAME EXACT RESPECT FOR HER AS WELL*

 Having hate in your heart only effect you and like a wieght wrapped around your leg while trying to swim; you will drown if you keep it on. By letting it go, you will have the opportunity to swim to the surface and take the breathe you need in order for your survival.

So much hate, negativity, and destruction already in the world…Why add to it? Instead, be the  exact same change you want to see in the world. I rather focus on the positive things vs. the negative things and keep it moving forward. 

I consider myself as a “WORK IN PROGRESS” Everyday I am allowed to see another day…that day I will spend the entire day working on myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. HOPEFULLY YOU ALL WILL TOO!


Signs

Do you believe that the universe sends everyone certain signs? (I believe God sends ME signs when I am at my lowest.) Not everyone has the same spiritual or religious belief; So that’s why I chose to write the universe…My only hope is for everyone reading this understand the message behind my post.

 I met a woman recently who basically told me to never lose my beautiful smile. For her to come out of nowhere and speak positivity into existence for  me. The reason I wholeheartedly see the woman as a sign because the night before tears were running down my face in dispair. Not only that I also feared that my mind was very close to winning the battle I fight daily in hope I will be able to wave my white flag and give up for good.
The elderly woman had no idea what I have experienced in life and know my story like some individuals do. I have a hard time allowing people in because of the many issues I had with other individuals…Slowly but surely I am changing myself mentally as well as physically also. I will never claim to be perfect, instead lets say “I am a work in progress”.  

“PERFECTION DOES NOT EXIST” Signs come in all shape and sizes but do not allow your pain distract and blind you from seeing the signs that you are meant to acknowledge. Behind everything a propose goes hand in hand with it. If you think differently I can agree to disagree but for me *I THINK DIFFERENTLY.* So many signs I have ran across in my lifetime; some I chose stupidly to ignore and because no matter how deeply I want to be able to travel back in time…LIFE DOESN’T ALLOW ANYONE TO TRAVEL BACK, LIFE ONLY TRAVELS FORWARD. 

The elderly woman also told me the correct meaning of my name. My name isn’t simple by any means…either most cannot pronounce it correctly or spell it correctly…sometimes even both. By the woman knowing both including the orgin of it plus the meaning; I refuse to think it was just a “lucky guess”. I may not have the life I want for myself or feel alone occasionally or at times want to surrender and wave my “white flag”…by her speaking positive over my existence and proving that even if my mind tricks me into believing I have no one in my corner at all…She proved that my job is not complete yet and keeping smiling. 

  • SMILE- no matter how defeated I may feel
  • SMILE- despite what may be going on around you
  • SMILE-through every single storm that comes my way
  • SMILE-no matter how bruised, scared, broken, fragile, heavy, or useless I may feel


  • Before things become better, it will get worst and I vow to myself to remain positive despite my circumstances. “Fairytales” are only a myth when people assume out of nowhere it just magically happens. The truth is you have to seek it and create it for yourself. 
  • If you want happiness in your life, BUILD IT!
  • If certain situations do not help your atmosphere LET IT GO!
  • If you want change BECOME THE CHANGE YOU WANT!
  •  If toxic people are currently in your life WALK AWAY FROM THOSE SAME INDIVIDUALS AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

*LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH* & *ACKNOWLEDGE THE SIGNS*& *CONTINUE TO MOVE FORWARD*

Finding The Good In Life No Matter What

Have you ever looked over your life and realize YOU stopped many of blessings you were meant to have? I haven’t been blogging a lot lately because of work, personal problems, and internal conflict I have been battling lately. When certain situations come to my attention I literally have to disconnect from reality to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For the people who don’t know me probably take my silence as a form of disrespect without asking. Work is another story because I under any circumstances will I ever bring anything with me into my workspace. One thing in life I can say personally is true, everyone give off a body language without trying to do so. 

I constantly have to make others understand “it’s nothing personal…I just need a moment”. Meditation is so amazing because it puts everything in perceptive and also control my anxiety better than any meditation I have ever been prescribed. Part of the reason why I decided to stop all medication and came up with the solution of taking the natural approach instead. With the help of many professionals, close circle of friends, and mentors; I fully believe I made the right choice. Natural remedies has not given me any side effects no matter what I took unlike the pharmacy medication that was prescribed to me. Either I was walking around like a zombie or blurry vision to the point driving was not possible at all. My balance was way off and I would stumble quite often due to the medications no matter how many I would switch off of the cycle continued to repeat itself. After years of the back and forth I called it quits and went a diffrent route.

At times life in general can be overwhelming. In the past I would lash out on anyone who reaches out to me because of the many people who I allowed in that I confided in that would tell others without telling me. Eventually I had to allow myself to forgive them in hopes I would not make others pay for their mistakes. Growing up I would see the worst in everything avoiding the positive. Now…I TRY MY HARDEST TO SEE THE POSITIVE IN EVERYTHING. 
If you only focus on the negative even when you have the positive clear in your face because of that fact you miss out on it. Basically speaking, you just forfeited your blessings. For many years I have forfeited my blessings by only seeing the worst in every situation I have been in. The older I get the more I am able to analyze my life correctly.

     *ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS*

Relationship Goals

Due to a change of scenery I wanted to change the topic to relationships for a minute, while at the same time certain situations are more tricky due to my Depression as well as anxiety and a few other factors which makes me very iffy on the subject. Love is something many people want but at the same time in my case I honestly get so terrified whenever it comes up. For instance a friend of mine asked when I would decide to finally settle down…the question made me wonder because when it comes to me the question is very common. If I had a dollor for everytime I have been asked my bank account would be set for the rest of my natural born life. *Truthfully, I wish it was that darn easy*  I don’t feel anyone should start a relationship while their heart is in remission…Not only do you hurt the new person you became involve with but you also repeat the same cycle of hurt that previously caused pain to you…why caused that situation when easily it could’ve been avoided from the start. Have you heard the phrase “In order to get over someone you need to get under someone else”?  My honest opinion of the saying is the quote is completely and 100% untrue. ONLY HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE…So why inflict the pain you experienced onto someone who didn’t treat you badly? 

If anything be honest and fall back until you are emotionally stable to love yourself first, only THEN you will be able to love someone else. How can anyone expect someone to love the person when you don’t have love for yourself? How can you tell if the individual’s love is authentic when you have no authentic love for yourself?  My last relationship was a relationship I should have never been in at all. I barely loved myself and ignored all the signs in the beginning. Truth be told we were better as friends which we could never go back to that because the damage is already done. Plus it’s true when they say “you don’t really know someone until you actually live with the person”. After that everything went completely downhill. Not saying he was the problem but you cannot mature properly if you do not take responsibility for your own actions. I absolutely take responsibility for mine and while doing so I had to come to grips with facing the fact I was lonely for the most part, instead of finding a hobby I chose to get into a relationship when I wasn’t ready to from the beginning. He would constantly accuse me of cheating when it was him from the beginning. Strangely enough at first I was upset but looking back I gave up on us way before that…I don’t know alot about men but most women *including myself* will check out of a relationship mentally before any man notices. He lost me awhile back but I kinda think he figured that out but I am not exactly sure. All I know my mentally checked out for many different reasons…

One of my biggest deal breakers when it comes time for me to go back on the dating scene again is RELIGION. I am a proud Christian woman so in order for me to even consider any form of relationship I need a man who loves the Lord just as I do. My walk with God has been a rocky one and since I know for a fact He has blessed me repeadily…I refuse to backtrack due to that fact alone. When it comes to different religions I cannot judge anyone on their particular choice and I have no problems with someone who doesn’t have the same view as me but at the same time don’t force your views on me as well as me forcing mine on you. Everyone has to respect each other and agree to disagree. If you have questions I will gladly answer them to the best of my ability. In reality most groups that try to make others believe in their particular views should understand to allow your actions to speak for them. *EXAMPLE*When I meet people want to know how I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and smile despite what may have been going on around me…By me giving credit to God makes the person want to learn more…My actions spoke to the individuals before I was ever given the chance to open my mouth.

Now back to the matter at ✋…Before I can even think about a relationship…I rather wait for the “right one” then to try and find a man on my own. Which is wrong from the start…*A man finds his wife, The wife  DOES NOT…I REPEAT A WIFE DOES NOT FIND HER HUSBAND* Now that as women we know this please stop searching for a man! I was the type of female who would think I’m on a timeclock (I discovered that the timeclock most women have created is only in their mind) and every age has certain points I should have completed. Each timeclock that most women create can lead them in the wrong direction because instead of taking their time and admiring the scenery, the majority of most women run trying to finish quickly. When in reality rushing in general would leave someone to settle without fully understanding that you are settling for less. *Hint…Hint* The right man will find you but in the meantime become a better version of yourself  not just for you but also for the type of man you want to attract….”Birds Of A Feather Flock Together”.

REMEMBER…When the time is right for you; Your happily ever after will come in due time *JUST LIKE MINE* 

Keep Moving Forward

Today was a typical day for me being that I kept thinking about the life I am working my hands down to the bone to have. In the mist of moving forward sometimes quite often I began to hesitate and scare myself in hopes I would fallback into my depressed mode. I swear sometimes my mind act as if it’s my very own videogame like “Mr. Pacman” drastically running away in hopes my depression wouldn’t come behind and goggle me up whole. If the people around me was able to see how my mind plays with me everyone would be laughing their butts off literally. This is a never-ending battle I go through on the regular so nothing really get a major response from me anymore but I do actually laugh at myself alot and rarely cries because of it. Meditation has truly helped me be more aware of my triggers so that I wouldn’t allow any negativity to come in contact with my personal triggers. “One Step At A Time” is what I mentally repeatedly tell myself. Instead of pushing my emotions down I find a productive way to allow thes to slowly comeout in a positive way. Changing my perception of all experiences has made it possible to mature mentally.

Only if you have walked in the shoes of Depression or have witness someone who has until then can you understand the true mebtal battlefield that lies in the person’s mind. I have literally overcame most of the backlash from the individuals who think this is not a huge matter. The individuals who do not understand the magnitude of people  who has Depression. Money has no effect on it because if it had the celebrities who had it and committed suicide base on the trick it plays on your mind. Robin Williams, Alexander McQuee, Lee Thompson Young, David Foster Wallace, Sylvia Plath, Aaron Swartz, and the list goes on. Do your own research *like I did* It helps to realize that 1.YOU ARE NOT ALONE

2.) YOU ARE NOT ALONE

3.) STILL DESPITE HOW YOUR BRAIN IS TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM YOU ARE ALONE…ONCE AGAIN REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

As a whole we have the ability to not just win against the stigma of “Depression” but to also educate people about it as well.