No Looking Back For Long(Reflecting)

Being able to allow my true feelings out is in a way bittersweet because not many people can understand how extremely hard is it for someone like me. No matter how hard I try to keep a smile on my face for too long, sooner or later my mask start to crack and fall. When I “Think” maybe just maybe I will eventually progress in life and do something RIGHT for once “AGAIN” I stumble. Despite how *strong, determined, or brave* to the outside world I seem…Understand I am only human and this ishh is not easy at all. Allowing life to win when you are at your lowest is unacceptable…despite my multiple attempts of taking my life I look at everything diffrently due to the fact none of them succeeded. I take my life one step at a time and the only real reason I try is …

WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR ME TO DO? In a way I assume I am in fact STRONG but in a another way I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE.

A few years back I had a friend who shot herself in the head. The hurt I suffered from losing her is still there and most likely will still continue to be. Before everything that happened I went through at times I would do anything to had her by my side helping me walk through it.

The father of my rainbow children I remember us seeing him in a grocery store together and B. Davis (now deceased friend) whispered “I do not feel he’s the one for you and nothing good will from him”. Her words was a true *SIGN*!!! Stressing over my mistakes will NOT change anything at all…So I can only label it as a *LESSON* & PUSH IT RIGHT ON THROUGH!

My biggest pet peeve is when someone place blame on everything under the sun (PERSON, PLACE, OR THING) but theirselves. Placing the blame does not work until YOU HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE FIRST!

FOR EXAMPLE MY LIFE…

  1. I knowingly became involve with someone who was already in a committed relationship.
  2. By him cheating on his girlfriend with a mutual person of ours that was married, cheating on her husband with him.
  3. Foolishly, why on earth would I possiblely that he would actual be faithful to me?!
  4. Allowing my fear to keep me as a hostage victim.
  5. Thinking a actual relationship with my father would EVER exist…Each time I gave him a chance to be in my life…My father would disappoint me every single time.
  6. “PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE” & I PROMISED MYSELF THAT I WOULD NEVER EVER BECOME INVOLVED WITH A MAN LIKE HIM!

(*NEVER SAY NEVER*) In other words I may seem like one of the strongest woman you have ever met but honestly this crap IS STILL hard for me on a daily basis. When I post words of encouragement I am encouraging others (AS WELL AS MYSELF). Life is forever up & down for me but through my tears, frustration, fragile heart, and silent screams I stand back up, dust off and slowly push on forward. Besides, what other choice do I have?

Question for the Christians like myself…Since its a SIN to commit suicide…Would it also be a SIN to give up and wave the white flag if by giving up you are indeed actually allowing your problems kill you? For example…

Because I stop trying my health goes down resulting in my death. To me, I see it as suicide also but I would love hearing more diffrent views concerning this question in the comments😀📥.

To sum everything up everyone keep pushing forward despite how difficult & painful it feels…WHAT OTHER CHOICES DO YOU HAVE?!

Question I have to ask myself as well!

Think Clearly

I am constantly asking myself Why on Earth more than a handful of woman THINK that having a child from a man will convince that SAME EXACT MAN to stay in a relationship he clearly doesn’t want to be in? This is a question I constantly ask myself when I see a pregnant woman crying her eyes out over a man who she THOUGHT would change but sadly needs to dry her eyes and focus on the task at hand *BECOMING THE BEST MOTHER SHE CAN POSSIBLY BE* with or without the father by her side.

Since I only speak from experience I once was in her shoes and because I wanted him so badly a few pregnancies were planned while a couple happened out of the blue. Each of my pregnacies ended in a loss of a child but if I knew then what I know now…A BABY DOES NOT KEEP A MAN THAT DOES NOT WANT TO BE KEPT!

When a child is in the womb as a mother your only thought should be on your growing baby. Not on who the dad is seeing or why he does not see a future with you…dwelling on those things will only stress you out but more importantly stress the seed inside of you out. As a pregnant woman your child feels EVERYTHING you are feeling good or bad

  • Anything you ingust into your body is also ingusted by your child.
  • When you are in pain your child experience some or all the effects of it as well.
  • When you are overwhelmed by stress the same goes for the child.

Even though at a certain point you made the decision to plan to become pregnant by him, the child had no say in your decison. Prepare for the consequences that follows as a result of your choice. Understand if a guy does not want you, having his child will not CHANGE or force him to. Just because he left you, as a MOTHER you have a HUGE responsibly on your back. Do not take your frustration with the father out on the child.

My mother has never spoken negativly about my father. My view of him comes solely FROM ME . To be completely honest, I gave up on having a relationship with him because “WHY” should I seriously try? I am at peace with him not playing the role of father active in my life. I do not have any ill feelings toward him and I already forgiven him a very long time ago.

*KIDS KNOW ALOT, EVEN WHEN YOU MAY THINK THEY DON’T*

TRAPPING A MAN WILL NEVER EVER PROSPER…DO NOT LET YOUR ILLUSIONTO TRICK YOU INTO BELIEVING THE MYTH…

CHOOSE WISELY…

Tunnel Vision

When you are on a mission, what do you see? Do you see your surroundings? Do you only see your destination and nothing else?

Sometimes I have to sit back and evaluate my life when I see how much I find myself in the same situations as before. WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING WRONG THAT I AM AT THIS SAME EXACT POINT ONCE AGAIN?! I recently cut off so many people who I felt was toxic to my mental health but once again I am STUCK.

I have only 2 options GIVE IN OR GET BACK UP & RUN…Life is only what we make it, & I REFUSE TO STAY DOWN FOR TOO LONG.

Looking back, I have came a extremely long way from the person I once was…to person God has destined me to *BECOME* . He has NEVER given up on me, so ME giving up on myself is FOOLISH. My life journey has showed me HE truly does exist and is on this JOURNEY WITH ME. My tunnel vision is focused on Him at the end of it.

Keep in mind that your BEST Motivational Speaker is yourself. No one knows your personal story better than YOU!

  • PUSH YOURSELF
  • CHEER YOURSELF ON
  • PULL YOURSELF UP EACH TIME YOU FALL & DUST YOURSELF OFF
  • WHISPER IN YOUR OWN EAR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

“ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR”

I was taught at a young age that the DEVIL will try desperately to break you when he feels you are close to your BREAKTHROUGH. Never allow him to win and keep the view of God in your tunnel vision and focus only on Him. Clear off anything blocking your view of Him and RUN STRAIGHT INTO HIS OPEN ARMS. He never said life would be easy but instead He said…

Who would have thought that I would be quoting scriptures?! If you experienced his love & forgiveness as I have countless times throughout your life maybe you too would aknowledge Him as well. Since I cannot speak the behalf of others…I can only speak for myself alone. HE IS MOST CERTAINLY ABLE! No one on this Earth can make me think otherwise🙏 Because my life is enough proof I could ever ask for & more.

If He could love me unconditionally despite of my checkered past and welcome me back without any problems…I am positive no one past is unworthy of His love. RUN LIKE HELL & HAVE TUNNEL VISION, FOCUS ONLY ON HIM!

COFESSIONS OF A FORMER *SIDE CHICK*

FOR A FEW DAYS I HAVE BEEN CRYING MY EYES OUT CONSTANTLY. Maybe I have a few things I still haven’t released yet…So here it goes…

When I spoke of having a mutiple miscarriages in a way I did not go in depth about my experiences for a few reasons and I will explain in this post now. Allow me to be completely transparent for a few…

The relationship between the father and I was off and on for many years. Truthfully, even though most of the people were extremely close to me do not understand why I could so easily forgive him after everything he *SUPPOSEDLY* put me through. To be honest, for many years after I did have alot of HATRED toward him because placing all the blame on him was the easiest thing to do without noticing the 4 other fingers pointing back at me. Please understand when I speak of forgiving yourself 1st before forgiving the other person this is from EXPERIENCE(NOTHING MORE & NOTHING LESS) Any advice I give or situation I speak on is from experience because even though life as many ups and downs I rather help the next person who is going through a similar situation to have the guide to avoid some of the twist and turns to make the ride more smoothly and bareable.

The first time I became pregnant from him he was…

  • Already in full committed relationship and I CONTINUED WILLINGLY TO BE INVOLVE WITH HIM.
  • I became involved with him when he was involved with a MARRIED WOMAN who was having an affair with him behind her husband’s back; She asked to use by phone because at the time HE blocked her number. So many Warnings Signs I knowingly dismissed!

Who’s to blame? Me or Him?

Secondly, when I *FIRST* became pregnant by him and I suffered a Miscarriage. Due to the fact he was still in a FULLY COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP he broke down and confessed about giving me something in order to make me have a miscarriage because he was in a relationship. EVEN AFTER HE CONFESSED I STILL CONTINUED TO BE INVOLVED WITH HIM.

SIDE NOTE…NO MATTER HOW BADLY A WOMAN CAN CHANGE THE MIND OF A MAN IN ORDER FOR HIM TO STAY OR CHANGE…IF HE DO NOT WANT TO STAY…HE WILL NOT! Like the quote says “How you get him, is the same exact way you will lose”.

Example- if he was cheating on her with you what makes you so sure he will not cheat on you as well? Sit Back and ask yourself that question? Labeling yourself as a “Side Chick” is not a badge of honor and to be brutally honest…you are showing your self worth because no real queen should allow any man to think that his actions are OK and if in fact he does, gracefully walk away. His actions do not show that he KNOWS your true worth so he was not *the one* anyway. Be thankful you were saved from that fatal bullet…Now maybe after reading this hopefully some are able to UNDERSTAND THE QUOTE I ALWAYS SPEAK OF BUT IF NOT I WILL EXPLAIN.

BEFORE I WAS ABLE TO FORGIVE HIM I HAD TO *FIRST* FORGIVE MYSELF.

  • I became involve with a Man who was already in a relationship!
  • Not only was he cheating on his Girlfriend but he knowingly became involved with a MARRIED WOMAN!
  • The biggest problem when it comes to me is that I HAD FULL KNOWLEDGE OF IT ALL BUT STILL CARRIED ON WITH HIM!
  • Having unprotected sex with a man who was not my “HUSBAND” OR A MAN WHO WOULD SPEAK OF ME AS HIS ANYTHING IN PUBLIC…and after becoming pregnant by this same MAN told me out of his own mouth that he was the caused of my miscarriage!!!


No No No…I have to own up to my stupidity for accepting that type of behavior.

After I was able to forgive myself then that is where my strength to forgive him came from. One of the many lessons maturity has taught me is “A person will only treat you the way you have allowed him/or her to”.

My only prayer is for someone to learn from my experience and choose to walk in a different direction. The *out of no where* rollercoaster ride I go through is insane but no matter how long it has been the scars are still there. Maybe I was meant to help anyone who is currently in a similar situation👥TAKING OWNERSHIP FOR MY WRONG DOING HAS HELPED ME WITH MY INNER PEACE.

Crying Is Not A Sign Of Weakness

Yesterday was very draining mentally, physically, and emotionally because no matter how upbeat I was my surroundings were so negative. I am the type of indivual who used to display everything on my face and say however I am feeling. My filter in the past did not at all exist back then but maturity helped me discover it and allowed me to master the manual. Maturity also taught me despite what is going through in my personal life never allow the situation to interfere with your EDUCATION, EMPLOYMENT, OR OUTSIDE EXPERIENCES.

I discovered CRYING is needed and since I had a draining yesterday…I have no problem to admit that after finding a place of solitude my intense crying session began and releasing everything out felt AMAZING! Constantly I had to remind myself that the around has no clue how difficult it is for me to SMILE because of everything I went through over the years. So many people that I “THOUGHT” were my friends did wrong by me that I do not open up to anyone for a long time because of it.

I now have no problem with allowing others to see how far I came without ever opening my mouth. Maturity taught me to allow my actions speak for me. Drinking my problems away only helped me for a short time but after some self reflection I now know that most Alcoholics are damaged indivuals that are trying to run away from their current situations. Yes, drinking socially is one thing but most alcoholics drink for the numbing feeling that comes with drinking alcohol. Why would anyone want to *FEEL* in that manner 24/7? Our body easily builds up a tolerance to the things that are *INTRODUCED* constantly into our systems. Since our system is accostom to acholol the drinker has to keep allowing more into their system to seek the feeling that they had once before. This where the word *ALCOHOLIC* comes in.

I highly doubt that in the beginning most would drink that high of a amount for kicks and giggles…Money is the one thing especially in today’s society everyone is chasing “The Bag” or “Money Bag” or “The Bank Account With Alot Of Zeros Behind It” Alcohol has messed up alot of employment for many Alcoholics.

Whatever they are running away from is greater than losing their financtual stability. If he/or she has children than their children are also at risk. How can any single parent provide for a child when he/or she cannot provide for theirselves? Do you think the feeling is so good that the person would *knowingly* risk so much without any underlying problem eating away there life bit by bit? Remember this is only a opinion of mine…so while some agree some may not and I can respectfully AGREE TO DISAGREE.

The ONE great that reminds me to keep going is meeting someone who doesn’t know anything about me but says the most inspiring words out of the blue. FOR EXAMPLE …I met a older woman who told me my SMILE is perfect despite what my mind may trick me into believing…She also told me that I have to never allow someone to steal my joy. Silently she asked if I was a Christian and I smiled while nodding my head…She whispered in my ear that “He uses the most damaged vessels to show and lead others back to him as proof to the world no matter how cracked you are He will still shine his bright light through.” Remember how I spoke on *SIGNS*

Say No More I See It! Foward is the only way I am headed and I just want everyone tears are NOT BY MEANS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS. Allow that thought to escape your mind and instead of allowing yourself to stay down in the hole you feel in DUST YOURSELF OFF AND BEGIN AGAIN.

Question

Even though as of right now I do not have any social media account attach to my blog…I will be starting one soon. If you do have one my queastion is can you possiby give me type of account and the link to it in order to promote your blog while I promote mine as well.It can be anything from your business website to your blog page. Why not?! If you want to just give the information😎 It’s no pressure at all which ever you so choose. Happy Monday!!!

Liebster Award

03/01/2017

This morning I received notification for a new comment which informed me of being nominated by the thoughtful GailLovesGod. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the nomination as well as speaking out about mental illness. So many people in today’s society are suffering from it silently thinking no one cares when in fact very many actually do.

My Questions:

1. What time is where you are? Sunday October 1, 2017 the time is 2:38pm

2. What kind of mood are you in? My mood changes from time but only one thing that is constant concerning my mood is feeling BLESSED no matter what is happening around me.
3. Do you have a favorite bible verse? John 3:16
4. Do you have a favorite hymn/song? It is a tie between Tamela Mann “Take me to the King” and India Arie “This To Shall Pass”.
5. What’s the weather like where you are? Hot & Rainy but a little windy also.
6. Tacos or hot dogs? Tacos
7. Chicken or burgers? Chicken
8. How many posts have you made so far? 42
9. What is your favorite color? Pink
10. How do you stay calm when upset? Meditation & Prayer
11. Do you have a salvation testimony? Growing up around church did not convince me to have a relationship with God but going through the things I experienced and multiple suicide attempts did. I tried everything you can think of to end it all but yet…I am still here. Everyone has opinions for thier own multiple failed suicide attempts but I can only speak for me and I 100% give HIM all the credit for my current existence because I cannot find any other explanation for it.

I have spoke quite often about *Helping Others* and *Paying It Forward* because I want no one to feel alone as if they have to through life by theirselves. The feeling is awful (FROM EXPERIENCE I KNOW). So in the spirit of *Paying It Forward* I am keeping the ball rolling🌟

THE RULES:

Thank the blogger that nominated you!

Answer 11 questions from the blogger that nominated you

Nominate 11 blogs

Ask the bloggers 11 questions

NOMINEES:

  1. Bird’sEYEView
  2. NeurodivergentRebel
  3. LordStoneLifeCoaching
  4. BeautyBeyondBones
  5. Rotimi Elijah
  6. E
  7. ManuelaMariaC
  8. Asha Seth
  9. TheEmpathyQueen

10. Abhijith Padmakumar

11.Nelly Kung’u

Each one of you are examples of the motto *Paying It Forward* by using the talent you were born with to lift up others in a positive way. *Please do not think the nominees I chose are the only ones because this site has plenty…and if I name all I would never be go to sleep* Whether your talent you possess is Poetry, Relationship Advice, Motivational Speaking or Blogging bout Mental Illness and how to tackle it in a calming matter. Thank You all for using your special talent to continue the cycle of *PAYING IT FORWARD*!

Questions

1. What motivated you to start your blog?

2. How long have you been blogger?

3. What state are you from?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. What is the name of your favorite book?

6.What is one of you favorite quotes?

7. What is the purpose of your site?

8. Who is one of your favorite authors?

9. Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

10. Name one thing that is on your Bucket List?

11. What means the most to you?