Depression (the silent killer)

“Is it even possible to beat your depression and anxiety and win?” This is a question I ask myself daily because no matter how hard I try my depression constantly creeps back like a fly who never goes away despite how many I swat it away. Depression not only screw up your mind mentally but also screw up your body physically. I find myself constantly running away but no matter how far I go the brutally Depression keeps pulling me back. To be honestly I am exhausted. The person l was is no longer here…She died years ago and I desperately want her back but I already placed her in the ground. I tried everything from counseling to antidepressants to herbal remedies to meditation to friends advice. Nothing helped so I started drinking and it wasn’t for a buzz, I would drink til I became numb. I loved the numbness I would become but I hated when the numbness wore off because the I was able to feel the pain again. Someone dies so easily but every single suicide attempt on my behalf failed. WHY?! From a young age I battled depression and anxiety…so at this point in my life I shrug it off. During my childhood I was repeatedly raped by a family member and while I was in  middle school I was abducted while my parent was at a holiday party. Due to the fact that I had to go, I took off while my parent attended. The man who took me made himself seem like my parent sent him to pick me up and take me back to the party because it became nighttime. At the time I thought it was safe so I went with him(foolish I know). Once I notice he was going in the wrong direction tbats when my fear creeped in. He parked at a abandoned spot and that’s my que to run and I did exactly that. Once he ran after me, it only took him to a few minutes until he was able to catch up and tackled me to the ground. Unknowingly to him I was PMSing at the time. So once he became shocked I kicked him in the balls with all my strength and ran. A police report was made but I just wanted to act as if it never happened and move on with my life.  So that’s exactly what I did…My life has been a rollercoaster and I can’t understand why on earth I cannot get off of it. I keep most of what I been through inside and like some say “Fake it, til you make it” Plus I don’t trust many people anyway and know that if you don’t want anyone to know your business TELL NO ONE! Sympathy is the last thing i want from anyone and honestly do you actually think people truly cares lol? Throughout my life I discover how to became numb from reality. I just go on as if everything is perfectly fine and worry free.  Since I started at a very young age as of now I MASTERED IT. I  seriously do not blame anyone for anything. Maturity taught me before you blame anyone you must look deeply at yourself and take responsibility for your own actions and forgive yourself first. I tend to shut down when situations are too much to handle. Back in my childhood cuting was my coping mechanism. The numbness I would feel from it was amazing. I would get such a rush when I would see my blood escape my body thinking the blood was my actual pain that I released. When I would cut I was generally at my happiest and though may individuals disapproved I continued way into my adulthood younger stage. Looking back the reason I made the choice to stop is still til this day unclear, I know my stopped but I found other ways to achieve the same numbness and feeling. Crazy life I know but at the same time I still cannot acknowledge why I am currently still here. Trying to wrap my head around it is pointless and cause even more damage physical&emotional hurt. At this stage in my life I NO longer try because clearly I’m missing something since every attempt failed. Some days I try and find my purpose for still being here while other days I’m working like crazy or just lay in the bed listening to music. I have attended so many counseling sections to the point I should have my own PH. D. Despite everything I try to fight this never-ending  particular battle not ONCE have I claim victory. I went to sleep last night and without any problem… I sadly enough can say I lost once again and the search begins. Depression is so powerful to the point it will suffocate the life right out your body. It takes away your goals, the things you love, and also everything you care about in return depresssion replace them with pain, fear, despair, loneliness, the feeling of hopelessness, confusion, and manipulation. Depression tricks your mind to think you are alone when in reality you are not alone and that’s one of the  many ways it will manipulate you. I remember how happy I used to be and now my reflection in the mirror is someone I cannot recognized at all. Hopefully my story will help others realize you are not alone and you too should begin to search for your true purpose in this insane world we are forced to live in.