Deeply Lost In My Thoughts

Have you ever suddenly realize the purpose you thought you had quickly disappeared without a trace or trail to be able to find yourself again? I will be brutally honest with everyone as well as with myself. I often think everything is going well and BOOM life has a very frustrating way of creeping back behind me and push me back into the hole I just spent all of my time climbing out of. My dilemma now…is do I give in and wave my white flag or do I roll my pants up with the determination I had with my first fall in hopes to succeed once again.   

When I was in school in the past one of my favorite teachers told me “Whenever you feel as if your life is horrible always remember that their is someone on earth doing worst then you”. At that particular time I understood to a certain extent but it wasn’t until now that I can wholeheartedly understand the message behind her words. For example I lost a set of twins. Accordingly to my OB/GYN I was too far along and basically I had to give birth to a set of stillborn twins. The pain of that is something I will always remember.

A few years ago while visiting someone in the er a nurse told me there’s a situation happening and she apologize for the inconvenience. Maybe 45 minutes of waiting I was allowed to come back to the room of the person I was there to visit. Suddenly, I heard the screams of a woman who kept repeating “OH MY GOD, WHY!” constantly over and over again. Friends and family of the woman as well as hospital staff tried everything they could to calm her down but nothing could. The explanation behind that particular situation is the woman who was crying 4yr old daughter drowned in the family’s pool. Even though she was urgently rushed to the er by ambulance, sadly she didn’t make it and passed. Can you imagine the brutal pain of the mother who spent four years with her child and in a instant her child is gone? She experienced her daughter’s first steps, first Christmas, first doctor visit, first birthday followed by every year after).

Bonding with a child starts from the womb. (I know from experience) Once I had proof of my pregnancy the name of my twins was already picked out. Having a set of stillborn twins were severely painful for me and despite how many years that has passed the hole in my heart still remains. I was told to move on and to stop dwelling over their lost when the years rolled by. So due to the responses I received concerning my ordeal the only best thing I thought was safe for individuals (as well for my sanity included) I vowed to not bring up the situation no matter what and if someone does bring it up I would either quickly changed the subject or pretend I had something important to do and walk away.

This brings me back to the saying my teacher spoke of. Yes, my experience was indeed brutal while on the other hand in my own personal comparison the situation of that particular mother was far more heartbreaking than mine. This scenario is the perfect example of my teacher’s quote and taught me the true understanding of it. The trick to life is despite what you have experienced throughout it, you have 2 choices either allow it permanently break your spirit or  used the experience as fuel to build you back up better than you once were before. Anytime I want to give up, that particular quote replays nonstop in my head in hopes of pushing through the problems I have in front of me.  What better motivator you can have besides yourself? I am my own personal cheerleader, counselor, bestfriend, and support system…because I am a christain God is my mentor as well as his son Jesus has the title of being my personal role model.

Everyone has a choice similar to the actor who played Morpheus in the 1999 movie “The Matrix” You must choose either the RED PILL OR the BLUE PILL….No one can MAKE the choice for me just like no one can make the choice for anyone else. The decision is solely on the individual…I have to decide for myself and I refuse to quit! How about you?