This feeling of not being isolated by DEPRESSION but having countless of others who can UNDERSTAND first hand this DEPRESSION crap is no joke. So many emotions go through my head non-stop to the point I just want to find a hole and dwell there for a few. On top of everything crying all throughout today really helped me to release the built up hurt I sometimes keep hidden. I typically talk myself from reaching my breaking point on many occasions. At the end of the day if no one around me has my back He does and that helps tremendously. I honestly cannot count on one hand the people who I feel has my back because I don’t believe anyone truly does but GOD. Opening up to someone is extremely difficult because my trust in others is in such turmoil that I be upfront with my true feelings concerning allowing my guard to come down.
The topic of relationships is such a cut off subject for me. I can be head over hills one moment for someone but the next I will retreat back as if I am crossing enemy lines and once he discover me I quickly run away. Since becoming in touch with myself honestly I have come to the conclusion a relationship will never exist with my current state of mind. How can someone who is in soul & heart recovery *ICU* possibly think of adding someone into the mix?! I cannot even attempt to want or wish someone to sweep in and save me!!! Only hurt people, hurt people…if anyone in this current situation think that *Nothing is wrong with that particular situation* . To be brutally honest why would anyone want to put someone through that mess even if the person volunteer to? Let me say this quote again “HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE”. *Period Point Blank*
- Think deeply & closely about it …if you truly & care*for someone you should not. You are damaged and before you jump in *FIX* yourself FIRST. Even with myself I applaud the men who generously wants to walk along side with me but this is a walk that I need to walk alone (except for my heavenly Father of course). Truthfully if I sincerely care for a man I will push him away not for my wellbeing but mostly his.
- I do not want any man to sweep in to save me I prefer to save myself INSTEAD! Nothing against others who think differently but that is ME UNFILTERED, RAW and BLUNT!
Once I hit my final destination then I will be open to the possibility of *LOVE*. Loving myself is something I had to learn how to do it again. Not many can admit but I can proudly. Instead of wishing to be saved I quickly found a cape become my own personal “Wonder Woman”! Wishing doesn’t spead up a situation, instead it paralyze it. If you want something to change go out and make it happen and what I found after many soul searching meditation exercises nothing will move unless YOU DO.