Reflection

    Growing up I thought that in order to feel good about myself many individuals must FIRST find me  irresistible & breathtaking. At first no one could tell me nothing because my confidence was untouchable. Looking back I remember who I once was but after each flashback came the waterworks because “WHERE ON EARTH WAS SHE & HOW DID I MY LOSE MY IDENTITY”? So many questions with not so many answers but now with a clear mind & heart I am able to tackle each question head on.

My actual struggle came to a head when not only did I say “Farwell” to a love that was forever lost but I actually had to say Farwell” to my bestfriend as well. We had a bond that til this day I will never have any hatred in my heart toward him & never will. Even though I lost myself while begging & pleading for the LOVE of him but failed miserly in return I REMEMBER ME!  

*LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED*

  • Life Owes You Nothing!
  • You Determine Your Own Worth!
  • Anything Worth Having Is Worth Chasing After!
  • If You Want It, Go Get It!
  • Bad Things Happen Everyday, Do Not Allow Anything Or Anyone Stand In Between Your Happiness!
  • Stay Smiling…Even When You Think There Is Nothing To Smile About!

The happy, go lucky, kind hearted, strong, fearless, level headed, and unstoppable little girl fast forward to the woman I am at this present time. Being able to wish him the best with no evil intentions speaks volumes on me as a person. Growth is not only being able to move past the hurt but doing so with a *SMILE* planted on your face. In a way I am grateful for the way things turned out because I would not have any idea of the strength that was hidden and locked away in my soul. Anyone that has harmed, damaged, or inflicted pain either purposely or not “THANK EACH & EVERY LAST PERSON BECAUSE YOU HELPED ME DISCOVER WHO I REALLY AM”! 

Life taught me that the hardest person you will have difficulty forgiving is yourself because pointing the finger at someone else is the most easiest thing to do. No one wants to admit that all along HE/OR SHE WAS THE CULPRIT(no one want to admit their OWN wrongdoings). Unless you acknowledge YOUR OWN MISTAKES nothing will fall into place correctly. 

To be perfectly truthfully for a very long time I could not reflect over that painful part of my life without crying, the moment that I took ownership of my wrongdoings the TEARS STOPPED. No more negativity, pinned up anger, heavy bags under my eyes, sleepless nights, and unnecessary wieght put on because instead of taking ownership I would eat myself crazy. SELF-REFLECTING can affect your life in positive ways once you give in and do it. *DON’T TAKE MY WORD…GIVE IT A TRY FOR YOURSELF & TELL ME ALL ABOUT*


#ME TOO

Sexual Assault, Rape & Molestation happens everyday around the world. For the people who says “Why did he/or she waited so long to report?” Please understand there is NO correct time period to speak on it unless you are seeking criminal actions on the matter. Seeing how time has changed for the better is such a sigh of relief because society has now taken it more seriously than how it was looked on in the past. I can fully tell all from experience that once someone opens up and speak on it to others that can put a stop on the situation but instead when that exact same individual see nothing has been done concerning it, only seeing the person he/or she confided in sweeping the issue silently under the rug…Do you honestly feel that individual would want to report it again when it happens a 2nd time? *Think of a child who reports it to an adult that may be their parent or someone the child view as a authority figure* 

When a child *see & think* that no one will do anything, not only will a child  most likely never report it again but the child will no longer confide in most authority figures unless the adult can PROVE that he/or she is different from the rest. For most, even though a victim (I used the term loosely) has experienced the situation as a child it does however affect their adulthood as well. It took myself FOREVER to push forward without looking back on it without feeling disgusted each time I see my reflection in the mirror. Since my father  figure was nonexistent I would confuse love & lust to the point where I would become sexually involve with a man older thinking if I was sexually intimate with him in return he would LOVE  me. I programmed myself  to think just giving myself to him is way much better than allowing a rape to happen again because that is all men want anyway. Foolishly, I was thinking I was in control of the situation at the time. 

*F.Y.I.* More than half of the females I dated were victims as well growing up. This is solely my experience on the topic & can only speak on myself. Not only that but 2/3 are now happily married to a man with a family of their own now. Different Strokes For Different Folks! I remember the last female I dated many many years ago told me that I was not a lesbian but became one by default. Which was true but I already knew that and faced my problems head on vs. constantly running away from them. On a daily basis I am learning new things about myself that I had ZERO knowledge of and I am extremely grateful for it.

The word “VICTIM” is defined as “A person who is harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action”. The length of remaining one is totally up to the person…allowing someone to keep you hostage by their actions is actually another form of rape and emotional abuse. Throughout my life I have heard real-life stories of women who came to the conclusion that they will no longer classify themselves as a “sexual assault victim/ or victim of molestation/or rape victim” but as a “sexual assault survivor/or survivor of rape/or survivor of molestation”. SEEING THIS MADE ME LOOK OVER MY LIFE CLOSELY & THAT SAME DAY I DECIDED TO NEVER VIEW MYSELF AS A “VICTIM” BUT ONLY CLASSIFY MYSELF AS A “SURVIVOR”. Not many can keep getting back on their feet after life knocks them down repeatedly. You do not have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. Prove to yourself that you are a survivor & do not run away from the unknown but run toward it knowing you are UNBREAKABLE & WILL NO LONGER CLASSIFY YOURSELF AS A *VICTIM*

Yes, life has not been easy but YOU can handle anything that is thrown your way! Speak your truth and stand tall against the things that was meant to permanently destroy you mentally, physically, & emotionally!

Why Quit On Yourself?

Today was a very tough moment for myself…Let me explain WHY”!

Throughout my evening I had a friend of mine confide in me that he seriously want to end everything and commit suicide. The fact that I myself have tried on many occasions to end my life & despite how I may SEEM to the outside world that I have it all together HONESTLY I DO NOT! Unknown to the people around me I am a work in progress. If it had not been for God, my closest friends, and my family that prays on my behalf I do not have any idea where on earth I would be. Despite the countless attempts to let go God showed me that much more incredible things are destined to happen in terms of my life. 
When it comes to helping someone to break away from thinking suicide is their only option I have to acknowledge that just for my friend to call my phone to vent about everything was *HIS CRY FOR HELP* . For example the friend I lost years ago to suicide she actually post a cryptic message on social media telling everyone she missed her father and soon she will be reunited with him. To the followers she had no personal ties to would see nothing at all wrong with the post BUT to the followers who are familiar with her on a intimate level would quickly question the post because her father passed many years back. How could she be with him soon? Living states away, unless she is speaking on visiting his gravesite…Even then I would ask her in order to have clarification on behalf of what she meant by it. 
I constantly hear after someone commit suicide “I do not understand he/or she would do such a thing, there was no signs indicating their actions” . Truth be everyone  that does in fact show signs indicating the warnings but no one can actually see the sign because there are many different ones to acknowledge. 


To make it simple, if your gut is telling you something is not quite right *TRUST IT AND REACH OUT*! The common signs are 

  • Isolation from friends & family
  • Dark messages on social media
  • Out of the blue apologies for past mistakes and asking forgiveness
  • Messing around with dangerous items or asking questions about how much medication will it take for someone to die from it 

It is very common to let certain signs pass by ignoring someone’s cry for help when it’s silent and has no volume behind it. JUST SIT BACK & OBSERVE & REACH OUT BEFORE IT BECOMES TOO LATE. My friend reached out and with no hesitaion I responded. 

I know for a fact I cannot save everyone but here’s where society comes into play! If we all work together, eventually we CAN make a huge impact on the world helping one individual at a time. I myself, will help anyone stranger or not. I wouldn’t wish that type of feeling even on my worst enemy (despite the fact I have none). To hate someone takes too much energy and I refuse to allow hate waste valuable time I cannot take back. 


How valuable is yours? Trust and believe nothing good can come from HATE. 

Ask yourself…Who Am I?

This is a question I constantly ask myself because sometimes as a individual struggling through life WE find ourselves at a crossroad seeking validation from EVERYONE but OURSELVES. I cannot tell you how many times this question comes up on a daily basis with me as well as others. I have seen woman who craves validation of a man and if SHE does not receive it then according to HER she is not BEAUTIFUL, ACCOMPLISHED, STRONG, INDEPENDENT, LOVABLE, OR WORTHY OF LOVE FROM ANYONE. What changed about who you as a woman other than the relationship status “Single”? Being a woman who constantly battle Depression & Anxiety that too plays on my mental state if I make the choice to allow it like I have in the past. 

 

I had my share of relationships of all types and can say that the mistake of giving someone else  the power to validate my entire life without understanding that THE POWER SOLELY BELONG TO MYSELF & MYSELF ALONE. The mirror each morning is the FIRST place I run to because before someone provide any compliments my way TRUST & BELIEVE I compliment myself FIRST!

  1. I AM BEAUTIFUL!
  2. I AM BLESSED DESPITE MY SURROUNDINGS!
  3. I AM WORTHY OF LOVE DESPITE THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS!
  4. I MAY NOT BE AT THE PLACE I WANT TO BE AT IN LIFE BUT SINCE I AM GRANTED TO SEE ANOTHER SUNRISE I CAN TRY TO REACH THAT PLACE! 
  5. MY STRUGGLES HELPED ME BECOME A BETTER VERSION OF MYSELF.
  6. ONLY THE STRONGEST SURVIVE” & I AM STILL HERE SO I MUST BE STRONG & DUE TO THAT “QUEEN” KEEP GOING & STRAIGHTEN UP YOUR CROWN!👑
  7. I LOVE ME NO MATTER WHO DOES NOT!
  8. I AM A FORCE TO BE RECKON WITH!
  9. I AM ROYALTY, MY FATHER IS THE ALMIGHTY KING OF ALL KINGS!👑
  10. IF I CAN DREAM IT, I WILL ACHIEVE IT *BOTTOM LINE*!

Speak whatever you want over your life & CHASE IT! If you are unhappy with your life instead of allowing the situation to stop your progression, GET UP & DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Sympathy is something I do not have for myself because I KNOW FIRST HAND WHAT I CAN ACCOMPLISH WHEN I SET MY MIND TO IT. It takes something that is MEANT to destroy you, turn around and reveal HOW STRONG YOU REALLY ARE. Most individuals do not give themselves the actual credit they deserve because in order for you to make it out alive speak volumes on your behalf without ever opening your mouth.  up. Each morning you have the privilege to see find a mirror and ask yourself “WHO ARE YOU?” & answer it. Become your response!