No Looking Back For Long(Reflecting)

Being able to allow my true feelings out is in a way bittersweet because not many people can understand how extremely hard is it for someone like me. No matter how hard I try to keep a smile on my face for too long, sooner or later my mask start to crack and fall. When I “Think” maybe just maybe I will eventually progress in life and do something RIGHT for once “AGAIN” I stumble. Despite how *strong, determined, or brave* to the outside world I seem…Understand I am only human and this ishh is not easy at all. Allowing life to win when you are at your lowest is unacceptable…despite my multiple attempts of taking my life I look at everything diffrently due to the fact none of them succeeded. I take my life one step at a time and the only real reason I try is …

WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR ME TO DO? In a way I assume I am in fact STRONG but in a another way I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE.

A few years back I had a friend who shot herself in the head. The hurt I suffered from losing her is still there and most likely will still continue to be. Before everything that happened I went through at times I would do anything to had her by my side helping me walk through it.

The father of my rainbow children I remember us seeing him in a grocery store together and B. Davis (now deceased friend) whispered “I do not feel he’s the one for you and nothing good will from him”. Her words was a true *SIGN*!!! Stressing over my mistakes will NOT change anything at all…So I can only label it as a *LESSON* & PUSH IT RIGHT ON THROUGH!

My biggest pet peeve is when someone place blame on everything under the sun (PERSON, PLACE, OR THING) but theirselves. Placing the blame does not work until YOU HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE FIRST!

FOR EXAMPLE MY LIFE…

I knowingly became involve with someone who was already in a committed relationship.
By him cheating on his girlfriend with a mutual person of ours that was married, cheating on her husband with him.
Foolishly, why on earth would I possiblely that he would actual be faithful to me?!
Allowing my fear to keep me as a hostage victim.
Thinking a actual relationship with my father would EVER exist…Each time I gave him a chance to be in my life…My father would disappoint me every single time.
“PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE” & I PROMISED MYSELF THAT I WOULD NEVER EVER BECOME INVOLVED WITH A MAN LIKE HIM!

(*NEVER SAY NEVER*) In other words I may seem like one of the strongest woman you have ever met but honestly this crap IS STILL hard for me on a daily basis. When I post words of encouragement I am encouraging others (AS WELL AS MYSELF). Life is forever up & down for me but through my tears, frustration, fragile heart, and silent screams I stand back up, dust off and slowly push on forward. Besides, what other choice do I have?

Question for the Christians like myself…Since its a SIN to commit suicide…Would it also be a SIN to give up and wave the white flag if by giving up you are indeed actually allowing your problems kill you? For example…

Because I stop trying my health goes down resulting in my death. To me, I see it as suicide also but I would love hearing more diffrent views concerning this question in the comments😀📥.

To sum everything up everyone keep pushing forward despite how difficult & painful it feels…WHAT OTHER CHOICES DO YOU HAVE?!

Question I have to ask myself as well!