For many years I was the girl who hid everything about herself from the outside world…because of low self esteem, hurt, and how others would judge the choices I made in the past. The same people who I allowed inside would be the same individuals who would throw my insecurities back in my face. I know became closed off emotionally as well as physically. To others I seem put together but that’s only because I mastered the ability of my poker face. So many emotions I deal with on the regular in private. Most of the people that was in my circle would act like I should get over hurt or could never understand everything I experience because they never walked in my shoes. The few that have, admired the strength I displayed.
Only issue now is allowing the people that knows me personally judgement or opinions affect the mental peace that I am now. I rarely allow my environment to see me sweat. For a few years off and on I made the terrible mistake to open myself thinking the person or selected few to see me at my worst *even relatives*. I vowed to myself to *NEVER EVER UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES AT ALL* make that mistake again! Anytime I would see a child (due to my miscarriages and my still borns) I would voice to a few that want to have kids. Especially when a person who was pregnant at the same time that I was would post on social media about their child’s birthday. No matter how many years that passed still was difficult for me to see…So I went ghost from everyone due to that and constantly seeing pregnancy announcements. My response in my head I want to say is….”THAT IS EXTREMELY PAINFUL TO ME STILL TO THIS DAY! I apologize that you feel I should be over it already but I guess what…I’m fucking not” but I do not and instead just emotionally disconnect my self from everyone and seem un-bothered.